Before: Ruskin demonstrates the difference between the solders and merchants. "Philosophically, it does not, at first sight, appear reasonable (many writers have endeavored to probe it unreasonable) that a peaceable and rational person, whose trade is buying and selling, should be held in less honour than an impeaceable and often irrational person, whose trade is slaying." (Line 4) After: Ruskin demonstrates the difference between the soldiers and merchants. Ruskin's diction establishes the difference "That a peaceable person should be held in less honour than an impeaceable person" (line 4).
Before: Ruskins implies that merchants are too scared to take part in war when he says ," in that the former appear capable of self-sacrifice-- the latter,not"(line 2).
After:Ruskin implies that merchnats are too scared to take part in war when he says "... the former appear capable of self-sacrifice--[merchants], not" (line 2)
Before: He later discusses that the merchants live out their daily lives providing goods for others, while soldiers are risking their lives not knowing if they will live to see another day.
After: He later discusses that the merchants live out their daily lives providing goods for others, while soldiers risk their lives not knowing if they will live to see another day.
Before: He first alludes to the bible in his mention of "self sacrifice" in line two. Jesus gave the same "self-sacrifice" that Ruskin says the soldiers do; he gave his life.
After: First, Ruskin alludes to the soldiers willingness to sacrifice their lives. He keys in on the fact that the soldiers gave the same "self-sacrfice" (line 2) as Jesus; they gave their lives for others.
Before: Ruskin states in his argument, "A bravo's trade is slaying; but the world has never respected bravos more than merchants." A bravo's job is to slay, just like the soldiers.
After: Ruskin later expresses into his speech "a bravo's trade is slaying; but the world has never respected bravos more than merchants." (Line 10). Interpreting that the merchant gets even less respect than the bravo, who also kills for a living.
Before: So, he is saying that no matter what, a brave soldier will die fighting for his country, even if the soldier has everything to live for back home.
After: So, he is stating that no matter what, a brave soldier will die fighting for his country, even if he has family to live for back home.
Before: One of the few times Ruskin does mention the common man is to undermine the idea of man’s morals by stating their incapability of self-sacrifice.
After: One of the few times Ruskin does mention the common man describes only their incapability of self-sacrifice.
Before: Ruskin goes on to say, "For the soldier's trade, verily and essentially, is not slaying, but to be slain." Ruskin is stating that soldiers do not kill: they die.
After: Ruskin continues his argument explaining a soldier's duty. He states " For the soldier's trade, verily and essentially, is not slaying, but to be slain" (line 9).
Before: In the first paragraph, Ruskin conveys that "the consent of mankind has always, in spite of the philosophers, given precedence to the soldiers" (lines 6-7). After: In the first paragraph, Ruskin expresses that humans "always", beyond the philosophers viewpoints, "given precedence to the soldiers" (line 7).
Before: In lines 11 through 16, Ruskin makes his strong final argument that rhetorically expresses his opinions in a clear and organized manner, stating first: “Reckless he may be- fond of pleasure or adventure- all kinds of bye-motives and mean impulses may have determined the choice of his profession,” (lines 11-13) this shows that all soldiers may have not have joined the military for honour, but for pleasure.
After: Ruskin makes his strong final argument that rhetorically expresses his opinions in a clear and organized manner in lines 11-13, stating first: “Reckless he may be- fond of pleasure or adventure” this shows that all soldiers may have not have originally joined the military for honor, but that “all kinds of bye-motives and mean impulses may have determined the choice of his profession."
1/3 Still needs work. Don't include citation as part of the text. How does one "rhetorically express his opinions"?
Ruskin makes his strong final argument by admitting that not all soldiers join the army for honorable reasons; the author acknowledges that some may enlist due to “all kinds of bye-motives and mean impulses" (line 12).
Before The beginning of the first paragraph ruskin states " For the soldiers trade, verily and essentially, is not slaying, but being slain." Which explains that the soldiers job is not to kill but to BE killed.
After
The objective for a soldier is "... not slaying but being slain" (line 9). For it is their duty to sacrifice their lives in order to protect their country.
Before: In lines 10-11 Ruskin compares the job of a bravo to a soldiers After: Ruskin compares a job of a bravo to a soldier. He states, "A bravo's trade is slaying; but the world has never respected bravos more than merchants:..." (line 10).
Before: Ruskin demonstrates the difference between the solders and merchants. "Philosophically, it does not, at first sight, appear reasonable (many writers have endeavored to probe it unreasonable) that a peaceable and rational person, whose trade is buying and selling, should be held in less honour than an impeaceable and often irrational person, whose trade is slaying." (Line 4)
ReplyDeleteAfter: Ruskin demonstrates the difference between the soldiers and merchants. Ruskin's diction establishes the difference "That a peaceable person should be held in less honour than an impeaceable person" (line 4).
2/3 better, isolating a part of the quotation, lower case the "t"
DeleteBefore: Ruskins implies that merchants are too scared to take part in war when he says ," in that the former appear capable of self-sacrifice-- the latter,not"(line 2).
ReplyDeleteAfter:Ruskin implies that merchnats are too scared to take part in war when he says "... the former appear capable of self-sacrifice--[merchants], not" (line 2)
2/3 ellipsis not necessary at beginning, period at end
DeleteBefore: He later discusses that the merchants live out their daily lives providing goods for others, while soldiers are risking their lives not knowing if they will live to see another day.
ReplyDeleteAfter: He later discusses that the merchants live out their daily lives providing goods for others, while soldiers risk their lives not knowing if they will live to see another day.
2/3 verb change--good
DeleteBefore: He first alludes to the bible in his mention of "self sacrifice" in line two. Jesus gave the same "self-sacrifice" that Ruskin says the soldiers do; he gave his life.
ReplyDeleteAfter: First, Ruskin alludes to the soldiers willingness to sacrifice their lives. He keys in on the fact that the soldiers gave the same "self-sacrfice" (line 2) as Jesus; they gave their lives for others.
3/3 *soldiers'...better
DeleteBefore: Ruskin states in his argument, "A bravo's trade is slaying; but the world has never respected bravos more than merchants." A bravo's job is to slay, just like the soldiers.
ReplyDeleteAfter: Ruskin later expresses into his speech "a bravo's trade is slaying; but the world has never respected bravos more than merchants." (Line 10). Interpreting that the merchant gets even less respect than the bravo, who also kills for a living.
1/3 "expresses into his speech"? awkward, period outside parenthesis, last is a frag
DeleteBefore:In line 9, he states, "the reason it honors the soldier is, because he holds his life at the service of the state."
ReplyDeleteAfter:He indicates that soldiers receive so much honor "because he holds his life at the service of the state" (line 9).
2/3 better, use brackets--[they] for "he"
DeleteHold on...instead of "soldiers," "a soldier"
DeleteBefore: He states, (Line 10) "The reason it honours the soldiers is, because he holds his life at the Service of The State."
ReplyDeleteAfter: Ruskin alludes to the fact that the reason we honour a soldier is because they hold life at the "Service of the State" (Line 10).
2/3 Ruskin alludes to the fact that the reason we honour soldiers is because they hold their lives at the "Service of the State" (Line 10).
DeleteBefore: So, he is saying that no matter what, a brave soldier will die fighting for his country, even if the soldier has everything to live for back home.
ReplyDeleteAfter: So, he is stating that no matter what, a brave soldier will die fighting for his country, even if he has family to live for back home.
1/3
DeleteBefore: He stated that "nether less," the consent of mankind has always,in spite of the philosophers, given more precedence to the soldiers".
ReplyDeleteAfter: He states, "nether less, the consent of mankind has always in spite of the philosophers, given more precedence to the soldiers."
1/3 *nevertheless, line #
DeleteBefore: One of the few times Ruskin does mention the common man is to undermine the idea of man’s morals by stating their incapability of self-sacrifice.
ReplyDeleteAfter: One of the few times Ruskin does mention the common man describes only their incapability of self-sacrifice.
2/3
DeleteBefore: Ruskin goes on to say, "For the soldier's trade, verily and essentially, is not slaying, but to be slain." Ruskin is stating that soldiers do not kill: they die.
ReplyDeleteAfter: Ruskin continues his argument explaining a soldier's duty. He states " For the soldier's trade, verily and essentially, is not slaying, but to be slain" (line 9).
2/3 In this case, comma after "states," no space after quotation marks.
DeleteBefore: In the first paragraph, Ruskin conveys that "the consent of mankind has always, in spite of the philosophers, given precedence to the soldiers" (lines 6-7).
ReplyDeleteAfter: In the first paragraph, Ruskin expresses that humans "always", beyond the philosophers viewpoints, "given precedence to the soldiers" (line 7).
1/3 Your first was better. Comma goes inside quotation marks.
DeleteBefore:
ReplyDeleteIn lines 11 through 16, Ruskin makes his strong final argument that rhetorically expresses his opinions in a clear and organized manner, stating first: “Reckless he may be- fond of pleasure or adventure- all kinds of bye-motives and mean impulses may have determined the choice of his profession,” (lines 11-13) this shows that all soldiers may have not have joined the military for honour, but for pleasure.
After:
Ruskin makes his strong final argument that rhetorically expresses his opinions in a clear and organized manner in lines 11-13, stating first: “Reckless he may be- fond of pleasure or adventure” this shows that all soldiers may have not have originally joined the military for honor, but that “all kinds of bye-motives and mean impulses may have determined the choice of his profession."
1/3 Still needs work. Don't include citation as part of the text. How does one "rhetorically express his opinions"?
DeleteRuskin makes his strong final argument by admitting that not all soldiers join the army for honorable reasons; the author acknowledges that some may enlist due to “all kinds of bye-motives and mean impulses" (line 12).
Before: The Essay says that Soldiers are higher up than bravos and merchants.
ReplyDeleteAfter: The essay says that soldiers moved above the bravos and merchants.
1/3 improvements in capitalization
DeleteBefore
DeleteThe beginning of the first paragraph ruskin states " For the soldiers trade, verily and essentially, is not slaying, but being slain." Which explains that the soldiers job is not to kill but to BE killed.
After
The objective for a soldier is "... not slaying but being slain" (line 9). For it is their duty to sacrifice their lives in order to protect their country.
Better--comma after (line 9).
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBefore: In lines 10-11 Ruskin compares the job of a bravo to a soldiers
ReplyDeleteAfter: Ruskin compares a job of a bravo to a soldier. He states, "A bravo's trade is slaying; but the world has never respected bravos more than merchants:..." (line 10).
2/3 Better. Could combine the two...
ReplyDelete